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Breakup

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It’s official. The “Supreme Court of Relationships” has issued its decision on my one year and three month relationship, I and my former partner, JDG are now separated.

 

I am again, single.

 

Many dreams and hopes have also drained away as we have both decided to split up. For more than a month, my partner has displayed all the symptoms of a relationship about to go into comatose – cancelled dates with all kinds of excuses, cold treatment and incapacity to communicate.

 

And for that whole month, I have gone through the rounds of mourning over my dying relationship – anger (I have always thought of you as a good man), bitterness (I will curse your name until last my breath), rejection (go ahead, break up with me. Several other men just can’t wait to have me in bed!), loss of self esteem (Am I not worth it?) to thankfully, humble acceptance (Okay, I get it, you want to break up with me).

 

I have learned from yoga philosophy that when something is painful and it is beyond our control – don’t hold on, just let go!

 

And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now – learning to let go while reminding myself that I am single, stronger and “fucking desirable”!

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Truth is Over Rated

 

My usual conversation with gay friends is normally punctuated by exaggeration, fantasies, hyperboles, rumours and all variations of that much feared term – lies.

 

Then one of my friends posed a very confronting question, “Bakit puro tayo ka-echosan”(Why are we so fond of silly talk?)

 

And without thinking, I just blurted out, “That’s because truth is over-rated”.

 

I wasn’t sure if the statement made sense. But contemplating on truth, here are some things that I can say about it.

 

There is so much demand for truth. But the truth is bitter. It disregards our feelings. It could even trample on the very things that we value in life.

 

So we, humans regard many ideas as true even if it’s just a variation of the real, cold truth.

 

So is truth really over rated? We think about it. Sometimes, we write about it. We demand it all the time. But in reality, we just honor it whenever it is useful in our lives. Perhaps, it really is.

Of God and Blow Jobs

I bumped into screenwriter Ramon Bayron (Abakada, Ina) and he was ecstatic to share his thoughts on our film “Ang Lihim ni Antonio” (Antonio’s Secret). He liked the existentialism of the material and all. I was surprised that Mr. Bayron liked the film despite him being very religious. And he caught me by surprise by asking a very thought-provoking question.

“Why would God be concerned with men sucking each other’s penises when there are millions of other life-threatening and earth-shaking problems in this world?”

And I paused to think about it. What’s with ejaculation that God (as supposedly represented by the church) should make a big deal about? First, it thought about it in a particular context. If such an act would create destruction of a particular family, causing pain for the wife and her children, I think God should definitely look into it. But if two responsible and educated adult men help each other into ejaculation, what does God have to do about it?

It was such an interesting perspective to probe on. But unfortunately, I can’t force myself to continue with it. I don’t believe in the Judeo-Christian God. And I have known for a fact that historically, we humans are fond of ascribing and imposing our own attributes and values to the god that we create for ourselves. Hence, such an idiosyncracy from a supposedly “god being” isn’t really a surprise.

But if you are a believer, just like my friend, it would really be interesting to think about it. “What’s really with responsible men sucking each other’s cocks that would make God (Judeo-Christian) so angry that he will condemn you to hell for all eternity?”

Your Penis Shall Reveal the Truth

Whoever said that those straight men who are prejudiced against gay men are themselves secretly harboring gay feelings? They are technically correct as supported by a scientific study.

 

This interesting study about gay bashers was quickly mentioned in the book that I am currently reading “Phantoms of the Brain: Probing the Mysteries of the Human Mind”, a brilliant book on experiments on neurology by V.S. Ramachandran.

 

In this study, the “straight gay bashers” and the “straight men who didn’t have problems with gay men” were asked to watch a “Man to Man” Pornography. And the result? The gay bashers significantly have bigger erections than the straight men who are not prejudiced.

 

If you’re curious how erections were measured, they used a device called penile plethysmograph, which measures changes in the circumference of the penis.

 

I’m thinking, what could this study actually imply?

 

First, since penile erection could both be a conscious or unconscious effort, it is possible that the formation of prejudice against gay men could simply be an unconscious effort — meaning even before the “gay feelings” among “gay bashers” could be acknowledged, these “gay feelings” could have been repressed at an unconscious level therefore, their prejudice isn’t something that they have created with full awareness.

 

Two gay men like me, should learn to understand the straight who overtly hate us just because we are gay. We need to create a friendly and caring atmosphere with them so eventually, they could learn to accept their highly probable hidden “gay feelings”.

 

Don’t you just love the idea? The straight men who hate us gay men, are essentially gay men themselves. They just need a little support, understanding and a lot of love.

“Sorry, I Can’t Work on This”

 

Whoever said that one of the signs of a successful career is when one begins to turn down good projects?

I remember when I was 20, then a restless student from the University of the Philippines, I was very studious, getting good grades and all, but my biggest priority was to build a career in the entertainment industry. So, whatever project that was offered to me, whether television, theater or a corporate event, I would never turn it down and do all these workat the expense of my sleep, my studies or even my sanity.

Fast forward, eight years after with several failures and financial losses under my belt, I find myself turning down many, many projects and opportunities.

For the past two days, I just turned down two projects. Things I would have loved to do had I been much younger. I just said no to a new film with my director Joselito Altarejos, just because my mind is in a “vacation mode” right now. And I don’t feel writing a sex film, if there is nothing new that I can contribute in the discourses on sex.

And I just said sorry for not being able to work on a new project with a wealthy and good looking male model who asked me to help him promote his new website service with a series of events and press releases. This project would have been really fun as well.

Let me set the records straight. I am not successful and I am very far from being one.

I am just older, much older than my previous workaholic self. My time for yoga and writing blog posts is just too precious for me. Unless if you dazzle me with exorbitant talent fee, which I know would never happen.

And because I am much older, I know that my life no longer depends on “more money” and “bigger career”. There is more to life than what has preoccupied my mind wayback my restless days.

And for my being older, I can always call on wisdom to always say “Sorry, I can’t work on this”

 

Confessions of a War Freak

I have a confession to make. I am a chronic, combative verbal attacker (at least for now) and I love to pick up fights with strangers in a public place. All throughout my existence, I have several stories to tell on how I created a scene, verbally assaulting a stranger or a group of strangers who I deem to be abusive and have just stepped on my rights as an individual in a public place.

From private vehicle drivers who selfishly steal my much awaited parking space (when obviously I got there ahead of him) to inefficient and arrogant government employees, to noisy movie goers, I have become the day’s villain to so countless people I don’t know.

And what’s worse is that, I especially enjoy being combative especially when I’m alone.

This behavior of mine is contrary to my generally quiet, patient and friendly disposition at work. I am trying to analyze where I get all these mercurial temperaments. I know for a fact that I barely have any tolerance for abusive strangers. But what I don’t understand is why I secretly enjoy bursting into conflict with these insensitive people.

I do recognize that at anytime I could possibly get killed by someone armed and more violent than I am. But then, I don’t know why I don’t feel threatened by this fact at all.

There are certainly many things within one’s personality that’s not easy to explain. And I just console myself that everyone else has a chronic irrational behavior just like me (I hope so)

Filipino Perspectives While Falling in Line

 

Falling in line and waiting with many other Filipinos whether for a cinema ticket or a driver’s license reflect our perspective on social systems that govern us.

Take for example, when in a long line for a ticket booth, and the ticket seller takes her sweet time entertaining each customer with the longest time possible, no one, most of the time would dare tell the ticket seller to speed things up as many other people are watiing and the line has been growing.

We Filipinos barely speak up whenever we find ourselves in an inconvenient situation

On the other hand, when falling in line, let’s say in a university enrollment or a government office, it is very common to see many people finding ways to get ahead of each other by asking someone else to give way for them or perhaps, pay someone to fix them a place in the long queue.

Why do we do this? Is this because after thousands of years of coloniolism, we find it difficult to trust that each one of us is stakeholder in the system that governs us? Do we secretly think that the system would never care for our convenience because it simply protects those who have more power?

Whether as consumers or citizens, we have to learn to speak up and demand for the convenience of the majority. Because if the system fails to serve the majority, then there is no point to subscribe into it.